Sex Is Not The Problem In Your Marriage!

Seriously!  I'm not joking . . .

Let me preface with this: the thing I have a hard time with when it comes to writing on sex-related topics is that so many sex issues start with really deep roots; in other words, a lot of the issues we deal with in life that are sex-related are rooted in other things.  Those roots can vary greatly between individuals, so it makes it hard to cover all of the bases on each topic in just one post.

For that reason, at least at the onset of this blog, we're covering a variety of different topics on a very high level, giving us the opportunity to expose different issues that are common among all of us, even if we don't cover all of the underlying roots that can cause each issue.  As time goes on, we'll get into more depth on each topic, but for now, we're going to cover as much ground as possible, as quickly as possible.  Then, once we've got a general idea of what the terrain looks like, we'll go back over it with a fine-toothed comb.  

Sound like a plan?  Good.

SEX IS NOT THE PROBLEM

Maybe a better way to say it is this: sex in and of itself is generally never the root issue in a marriage.  If sex itself is the only issue in your marriage, just get in bed together naked and spoon; your bodies will take over from there . . .

On the other hand, sex is very often the first thing that is affected when other issues come up in our marriages: money, fidelity, work schedules, kids, and everything else we deal with as married couples can effect our sex lives.  Absolutely.  

Now, here's the funny thing: you could probably ask most husbands, and a lot of them would probably say that their biggest complaint about their marriage is that they feel the sex is lacking (of those who have complaints, that is), while the issues for wives can vary greatly: "He's never home," or "I'm never sure what he's doing," or "I wish he'd talk to me the way he talks to such-and-such," or "He'd rather be with the boys than with me," and so on.  This contrast makes it sound like the priorities for husbands and wives are completely different, which is both true and not true.  Here's why:

• Married men need sex more than anything else that comes from their spouse.  Yes, sex is a deep physiological and psychological need, but does it mean that other things aren't important?  Absolutely not!  Proverbs 21:9 says "Better to dwell on a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (NKJV).  Men value things like a peaceful household, as well.
• Women, in general, tend to be more emotionally driven than physiologically driven, and therefore need things like affection and conversation.  Does that mean they don't like or value sex?  Absolutely not!  Proverbs 9:13-18 describes a married woman trying to seduce other men while her husband is away.  Obviously, women enjoy sex too.

Since we can establish that sex matters to both parties in the marriage (again, based on our very high-level overview), the obvious question we ask is, "Why isn't there more sex?"  Well, the answers are myriad, but the good new is that you can usually find the answer for your marriage by 1) paying attention, and 2) asking questions.

Examples:

• Men, your wife may not want to have sex as often as you because it seems like the only time you say nice things about her is during sex, or because every time you touch it has to become an excursion to the bedroom, or because you don't spend time with her unless you want to something.
• Women, your husband may keep his distance because every conversation with you turns into an argument, or because you focus way more on the kids than you do on him, or because you don't take his take his sexual needs seriously, and he therefore feels you don't value him (here's a hint, ladies: guys raised by single mothers tend to be affected by the same things that women are because their mother was the only emotional example they had.  That's not a knock against single moms; it's just a product of the situation.  There will be a whole article on guys raised by single moms at some point in the future).

The good news is that most of us can figure out what the problem(s) in our own marriage are if we 1) observe our own behavior, and 2) ask our spouse for their input (and respond affirmatively to the issues they see).  That will give us all a starting place for resolving the issues in our marriages that affect our sex lives.

And again, this is all very, very high-level.  We haven't even gotten to love languages, emotional needs for men and women, roles in marriage, or anything else that most people find too awkward to discuss.  But we'll get there.  So strap in: it's gonna be an interesting (and very fulfilling) ride . . .

#YesAllWomen

It's sad, really . . .

I just got caught up on the shooting near the University of California, Santa Barbara campus that happened tonight.  I'm saddened, really.  Just saddened. My prayers are with the victims families.

As I was reading through the thread for #YesAllWomen on Twitter, it was refreshing to hear a united voice against violence toward women.  Violence toward women has no place in American society, and it's an abomination in God's eyes.

One thing that troubled me, though, was that some of the tweets indicated that such violence against women is not only tolerated by God and Christianity, but that the putting-under of women is somehow sanctioned by the Bible.

Let me take this opportunity to clarify a few things:

• God loves women, and expects men to do the same
• "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the Church, and gave himself for her . . ." Ephesians 5:25 (NKJV)
• Nowhere in the Bible does it say that men are empowered to lord over women (that scripture everyone quotes says "own husbands", not "all men," and is still misunderstood in context).  In fact, men are to love and cherish women as much as they love and cherish themselves.
• God tells men to honor women
• "Husbands, likewise, dwell with them in understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel (in other words, do whatever you can for them because you honor them), and has being heirs together (not one more than the other) of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered.
• God says specifically that mistreating a woman is grounds for you being cut off from Him.  
• God is not afraid of women being in charge and being honored
• A few examples:
• Deborah (Judges 4 and 5) - was leader of Israel and responsible for victory against overwhelming odds
• Esther (book of Esther) - was responsible for saving the Jewish people from a legally-sanctioned one-day massacre
• Rahab (Joshua 2) - prostitute that helped the Israelites take the city of Jericho
• This isn't meant to be a theological article, so I'll just say this: scriptures that are interpreted as demeaning women in the church ignore multiple biblical examples to the contrary.

That being said, please know this: if any Christian tells you that you sinned by being raped, they do not speak for God.  If you have been told that you are somehow of lesser value than a man, you've been lied to.  If anyone tells you that a woman's job is to be seen and not heard, they're misinformed.  This is not what God says, and it is not how the vast majority (and I do mean the vast majority) of Christian churches operate.  

Ladies, God loves you, and he values you and treasures you.  Don't let anyone try and tell you otherwise.  

As for the Christian church, our doors are always open.  Come as you are.

It Starts With Self-Awareness . . .

Sexual sin can be a funny thing: 

As Christians, it's something that we are warned about from the moment we turn 13, and yet it ends up being a pitfall that many of us fall into.  The reasons are numerous: accessibility, willfulness, ignorance, you name it. 

The hard part is that, for all of the warning that we receive in our youth, what seems to be sorely lacking is practical wisdom on 1) staying out of the trap when it rears its ugly head, and 2) how to overcome sexual sin should it ever become part of our lives.  I don't know about you, but that is information that would have really come in handy when sexual sin first entered my life. 

And to be clear, I'm not blaming anyone for the sexual sin in my life; I'm simply stating that sometimes we need more of a tool than just "stay away from it," something like "this is what it sexual sin looks like" or "this is what sexual temptation may present itself as."

Now, there are a lot of different ways that sexual temptation presents itself, and there are a lot of different ways that sexual sin can enter our lives.  Avoiding it, however, starts with self-awareness.

"What shall we say then? Is the law sin? Certainly not! On the contrary, I would not have known sin except through the law. For I would not have known covetousness unless the law had said, 'You shall not covet.' But sin, taking opportunity by the commandment, produced in me all manner of evil desire. For apart from the law sin was dead." - Romans 7:7-8 (NKJV)

So, in case you haven't figure this out, sexual temptation will present itself to most of us at some point in our lives, if it hasn't already.  The reason why self-awareness is a key component to fighting sexual sin is because to be self-aware is to know that 1) evil desires will try to arise in us because we're human, and we are naturally tempted to do what we've been told not to, and 2) there are times in our lives when we are more susceptible to fall in sin than others (Matthew 26:36-46 describes how the disciples were unable to maintain a watchful, prayerful eye because they were tired).  

Now, in my life, I've overcome pornography and masturbation (I know, too much information), but I still have to think of myself as a recovering addict because I see in myself the tendency to still fall into sin if I'm in the wrong circumstance (i.e. my wife and I have a fight, or I've had a hard day or week at the office, and other situations that cause a lot of stress or fatigue).  I've watched myself stumble again and again because I wasn't self-aware enough to realize that 1) I kept stumbling in the same situations, and 2) there was still part of me that wanted to sin, which was a big problem.  It took me becoming self-aware of that fact that I hadn't completely broken the habit, and that I still wanted to sin, to realize that there were certain situations I needed to avoid, and certain stimuli that I needed to eliminate from my life in order to get rid of the sin and the desire.  

Now, the things that cause us to stumble are varied, but common among all people (1 Corinthians 10:13; in other words, there's at least one other person in the world who is tempted or who stumbles the same way you do).  Some people they can't hang out with the opposite sex one-on-one because they always end up in the sack.  Some people can't watch shows that have nudity in them because it makes them want to look at porn.  Some people can't be alone with their phone or computer because the first thing they're going to do is look at porn.  Some people have to be diligent about going straight home after they work, lest they find themselves with a prostitute in their car.  If we really examine ourselves closely, we can usually pinpoint the circumstances under which we are most tempted or most often stumble.  

And that's the key: we have to identify the things that cause us to stumble (or, for those of us who have been blessed to have never stumbled, the things that cause us the most temptation).  We also have to know ourselves well enough to know when we're at our weakest, whether we're exhausted, angry, depressed, or whatever other mood we may be in that causes us not to be in the right state of mind to resist.  

Here's the thing: this article only scratches the surface of resisting sexual sin, or eliminating it from your life if it's already there.  It's going to take a long time for us to cover all of it.  But there is something we can do that is a big step in the right direction, and that's be aware of the things that tempt us the most, and the times when we are most easily tempted.  Identifying and eliminating these situations will take us a long way in our fight against sexual sin.  

God bless you as you continue to to fight the good fight.