It's The Second Look That Gets You (a message for men)

I get it: 

You’re a guy.  You like women.  It’s natural, and it almost goes without saying. 

You notice women.  It’s hardwired into your physiology.  You can’t help it. Your wife just doesn’t get it . . . and so on, and so forth.

I understand.  As a matter of fact, I’m going to say that I understand better than you think I do.  Those of you who know me personally would probably say I’m pretty tame in terms of keeping my eyes and hands where they’re supposed to be at all times.  The truth is, however, that I’m more like you than you know, and for that reason, I’m here to help.

(momentary awkward silence)

So, what are we actually talking about, here?  We’re talking about the tendency of men to let their eyes wander, and how that tendency leads to other, less savory tendencies. 

Now, women are beautiful, and God made them that way.  We, as men, are generally a sight-oriented group, so we notice the beauty in the women God made.  It’s the way the system was designed to work. 

So, where do we go wrong?  How do we end up taking normal physical desires and turning them into something ungodly?  Usually, it’s the second look.

I was invited to teach at a youth conference several years back, and while I was there, I had the opportunity to do a question and answer with the youth on a panel with the other speakers from the conference.  I remember we had to “encourage” them with some examples so that they would know that no question was off limits, and after mentioning masturbation, one of the young men boldly yelled out, “So, what’s actually wrong with it?”

I applaud that young man for the courage it took to ask that question in front of a room full of his peers, and it kind of reflects the attitude that most of us either have now or have had at some point: What is wrong with “it?”  And “it” isn’t just masturbation; it can be hook-ups, porn, prostitution, or anything else along those lines. 

Being as I was the foremost expert in the room (as a many-times-relapsed recovering masturbation and porn addict), my response was simple (paraphrased here): “Jesus said that if you even look at a woman with lust in your heart, you’ve committed adultery with that person.  Last I checked, it’s pretty hard to masturbate without lusting after something.”

And that was pretty much the end of that . . .

All of the things that qualify as “it” involve a lust that starts in the heart, and lust after anything, not just women, starts with longing for something.  Now, does that mean that desire is bad?  No, and I would be remiss not to recognize that we are all built with certain desires, that they are hardwired into our nature.  We also deal with some desires that result from our upbringing.  Some examples:

·         Children who relocate a lot often become adults to crave stability

·         Children who are abused often become adults who crave affection (in a “take it from whomever I can get it” kind of way)

·         Children who grow up sheltered often become adults to crave new thrills (that “I’ve got a lot of catching up to do” kind of freedom)

None of these desires are bad in and of themselves, but they can become desires that control us. 

I’m going to tell you this, in case you did not know: your desires should never control YOU.  You wanna know what it’s called when a desires control you?  Addiction . . .

And that is ultimately the point of this article: the second look, the second thought, they all tend toward addiction.  Now, you might say, “Is it possible to be addicted to desire?” or, “What the hell is wrong with being addicted to women or sex?”  Ask a sex addict, and they’ll tell you.

And if we’re honest with ourselves, a great portion of our society is addicted to sex and sensuality.  You may not be a fully-diagnosed sex addict, but there are a few questions whose answers can be pretty revealing, like:

·         How many days can you go without sex before you start blowing up on people?

·         How many times a day do you look at porn?

·         How long can you go without masturbating?

·         How long can you stay exclusive in a sexual relationship before you get bored? Can you even do that?

·         How far does the porn you watch deviate from reality?  That is, does it represent what sex in a normal relationship look like? (don’t worry – the “porn and sexual perversion” articles are coming eventually)

·         Do you make your wife act out and dress up as things that she’s not comfortable with just so you can get off?

Based on the answers to those questions, it probably became apparent to some of you that your sexual desires are controlling you, not the other way around (here’s a hint: if you have any doubt, then this probably includes you).

So, what?  What are we supposed to do with this information?  Well, the answer to that question really is different for each person, but it starts with this: stop letting your desires control you.  The best way to start curbing those desires?  Stop taking the second look.

You see a woman whose body is bangin’?  Acknowledge it, and then move on.   You see something that makes you want to beat it?  Find something else to think about.  You want to turn your wife into something else?  Try acknowledging and appreciating what she is. 

Ultimately, lust and desire for sex and women is just materialism of a different kind.  You know what the cure for materialism is?  Appreciating what you have.  What does that look like:

·         If you’re single and don’t have anyone to have sex with, thank God that you don’t have to look after the emotional well-being of another person and are free to live an unfettered life.

·         If you’re married, appreciate that you have someone to get naked and have sex with.  And, if you both agree and consent, try something new every once in a while (ask her; you might be surprised what she says . . .)

·         If you’re a porn addict, learn to appreciate women for the complex creatures that they are, and stop looking to women who don’t care about you to fulfill your emotional needs.  You may “love” them, but they certainly don’t love you back. 

·         If you’re addicted to masturbation, be thankful that your sex drive is functioning, then stop focusing on the things that make you want to (second look, right?)  Find an outlet for all that energy, and get ready to feel free from your desires.  When you are able to fulfill yourself emotionally through other things, you will find that this desire will wane.

I’m going to say this again: I speak from more experience than I really care to talk about or remember.  In telling you these things, I’m telling you the truth, and I’m telling you what works.  We’re by no means done, but we’re at least getting started in the right direction.

So get ready for a life change for the better, as you stop letting lust and sex run your life, and you start living a life that pleases God, who gave you your body and your desires in the first place.