Seriously! I'm not joking . . .
Let me preface with this: the thing I have a hard time with when it comes to writing on sex-related topics is that so many sex issues start with really deep roots; in other words, a lot of the issues we deal with in life that are sex-related are rooted in other things. Those roots can vary greatly between individuals, so it makes it hard to cover all of the bases on each topic in just one post.
For that reason, at least at the onset of this blog, we're covering a variety of different topics on a very high level, giving us the opportunity to expose different issues that are common among all of us, even if we don't cover all of the underlying roots that can cause each issue. As time goes on, we'll get into more depth on each topic, but for now, we're going to cover as much ground as possible, as quickly as possible. Then, once we've got a general idea of what the terrain looks like, we'll go back over it with a fine-toothed comb.
Sound like a plan? Good.
SEX IS NOT THE PROBLEM
Maybe a better way to say it is this: sex in and of itself is generally never the root issue in a marriage. If sex itself is the only issue in your marriage, just get in bed together naked and spoon; your bodies will take over from there . . .
On the other hand, sex is very often the first thing that is affected when other issues come up in our marriages: money, fidelity, work schedules, kids, and everything else we deal with as married couples can effect our sex lives. Absolutely.
Now, here's the funny thing: you could probably ask most husbands, and a lot of them would probably say that their biggest complaint about their marriage is that they feel the sex is lacking (of those who have complaints, that is), while the issues for wives can vary greatly: "He's never home," or "I'm never sure what he's doing," or "I wish he'd talk to me the way he talks to such-and-such," or "He'd rather be with the boys than with me," and so on. This contrast makes it sound like the priorities for husbands and wives are completely different, which is both true and not true. Here's why:
- Married men need sex more than anything else that comes from their spouse. Yes, sex is a deep physiological and psychological need, but does it mean that other things aren't important? Absolutely not! Proverbs 21:9 says "Better to dwell on a corner of a housetop, than in a house shared with a contentious woman" (NKJV). Men value things like a peaceful household, as well.
- Women, in general, tend to be more emotionally driven than physiologically driven, and therefore need things like affection and conversation. Does that mean they don't like or value sex? Absolutely not! Proverbs 9:13-18 describes a married woman trying to seduce other men while her husband is away. Obviously, women enjoy sex too.
Examples:
- Men, your wife may not want to have sex as often as you because it seems like the only time you say nice things about her is during sex, or because every time you touch it has to become an excursion to the bedroom, or because you don't spend time with her unless you want to something.
- Women, your husband may keep his distance because every conversation with you turns into an argument, or because you focus way more on the kids than you do on him, or because you don't take his take his sexual needs seriously, and he therefore feels you don't value him (here's a hint, ladies: guys raised by single mothers tend to be affected by the same things that women are because their mother was the only emotional example they had. That's not a knock against single moms; it's just a product of the situation. There will be a whole article on guys raised by single moms at some point in the future).
And again, this is all very, very high-level. We haven't even gotten to love languages, emotional needs for men and women, roles in marriage, or anything else that most people find too awkward to discuss. But we'll get there. So strap in: it's gonna be an interesting (and very fulfilling) ride . . .
